"Hey guys, Ringo was right, they're going to put me in the movies. Gonna make a big star outta me!

Rodney Bingenheimer
This Is Rodney Bingenheimer
2004 Shout Factory [Promo]

Various Artist/Soundtrack
Mayor Of The Sunset Strip
2004 Shout Factory


[FADE IN]

L.A. WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA. 4:17 AM

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER: Just what are we doing here, Agent Mulder?

SPECIAL AGENT DANA SCULLY: I was beginning to wonder that myself. Why did your contact insist on meeting us inside an abandoned record store? (looking around with her flashlight) I never thought downloading would put so many record stores out of business so quickly.

SPECIAL AGENT FOX MULDER: Supply and demand, Scully. When the supply chain artificially inflates prices, consumer demand will always migrate to a cheaper alternative.

SCULLY: (surprised) Mulder, I’m impressed!

MULDER: That’s not me, Scully, that’s according to the great economic philosopher Calvin. (pauses) Or was it Hobbes?

SCULLY: But why an empty record store?

MULDER: Because he fears retaliation by the Recording Industry Association of America and knows that a record store is that last place they’d look for him in. Isn’t it ironic?

SCULLY: Oh, I love that song!

SKINNER: Retaliation for what, Agent Mulder?

MULDER: For blowing the lid off the biggest audio conspiracy in the history of the human eardrum.

SCULLY: What are you saying, Mulder? That the federal government is allowing aliens to embed abduction homing frequencies in their CDs and DVDs as a new anti-piracy initiative? That that’s the reason why so many record stores have gone out of business?

MULDER: That’s exactly what I’m saying, Scully. Once the rumors began circulating, people realized that downloading was the only safe way to avoid the alien’s identifying frequencies.

SCULLY: But Mulder, wouldn’t it make more sense if the RIAA had the frequencies embedded in the downloaded tracks? That way aliens would abduct the downloaders and not the honest consumer.

MULDER: That was the idea. But because the recording industry is dumber than a bag of rocks, they managed to get it backwards. Now the RIAA doesn’t want it known that their law-abiding paying customers are the ones who are really at risk of being abducted. Talk about your caveat emptor.

SCULLY: Wait…Mulder, do you hear that?

MULDER: I don’t hear anything. But then again, I haven’t been able to hear properly ever since I saw Alien Sex Fiend open for Alice Cooper back in 1986.

SKINNER: No, I hear it too. It seems to be coming from that soundtrack section over there. Good lord, what is that unearthly racket?

MULDER: (listening) Oddly enough, it’s “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper.

SCULLY: Mulder, someone’s coming!

MULDER: That must be my contact.

SKINNER: I can see him now. It’s…it’s…

RODNEY BINGENHEIMER: Hi everybody!

SCULLY: Mulder, do you know who this is?

MULDER: Of course I do, Scully. This is my contact, ‘Godhead.’

RODNEY: No, no, I’m—

SCULLY: It’s Rodney Bingenheimer!

SKINNER: Who is Rodney Bingenheimer?

SCULLY: Rodney Bingenheimer of “Rodney’s English Disco” and “Rodney On The ROQ” fame! I used to read about him every month in Hit Parader. Did you know that Frank Zappa wrote a song about him? So did Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys.

MULDER: I was always a Circus Raves man, myself.

SCULLY: Mulder, you couldn’t ask for a better contact! He knows everybody personally.

SKINNER: Just exactly who do you know, Mr. Bingenheimer?

RODNEY: Oh, gee, I don’t know. Just about everyone, I guess. The Beatles, Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan, The Mothers Of Invention, The Runaways, Kim Fowley, The Rolling Stones, Jerry Vale, David Bowie, Led Zeppelin, The Monkees, Jim Morrison, Alice Cooper, Binky, The Ramones, Elton John, Sonny and Cher, Nancy Sinatra—

SCULLY: You know the first lady of rock? That is so cool! You know, I always considered “Boots” to be the world’s first women’s liberation anthem.

RODNEY: Oh yeah, most definitely. Nancy’s Godhead!

MULDER: Nancy Sinatra’s Godhead? I thought you were Godhead.

RODNEY: Oh, no, I’m just Rodney.

SKINNER: Agent Mulder says you have something for us.

RODNEY: Yes, I do! Here, I want you to have these limited edition promotional copies of my new single. It’s a remix of a track that’s on the new Mayor Of The Sunset Strip soundtrack album. And here’s a copy of the full album.

SCULLY: I’ve seen that movie, Mulder. Mayor Of The Sunset Strip is a great documentary about Rodney. It’s funny and heartwarming and everybody that Rodney knows is in it.

RODNEY: Here’s a new clipping from CREEM Magazine. CREEM says: “Mayor Of The Sunset Strip is the greatest rock ‘n’ roll movie ever made, and the first great rock movie of the 21st Century.”

SCULLY: They’re right, it is! Mulder, did you know that Rodney was in the audience of every American music television show ever made? In the movie you can see him on the Ed Sullivan Show and Hollywood Palace and Shindig and Hullabaloo and American Bandstand and Soul Train and In Concert and The Midnight Special and—

MULDER: Saturday Night Live With Howard Cosell?

RODNEY: (thinking) Not that one, no.

SKINNER: Is this why you brought us here, Mr. Bingenheimer? To give us these records?

RODNEY: Yes, it’s a great soundtrack album! Alice is on it, as well as David Bowie, T.Rex, Ramones, Brian Wilson, The Byrds, Courtney Love’s Hole, The Smiths, Blur, Dramarama, Asylum Choir with Leon Russell and Marc Benno—

SKINNER: What makes you think we’d be interested in all this?

RODNEY: Because X is on the album as well. And since you run the X fan club, I thought you might want—

MULDER: We don’t run the X fan club. We run the X-Files.

RODNEY: The X-Files?

SCULLY: A highly classified paranormal division of the FBI.

RODNEY: The FBI? Oh, okay. (pauses) Well, I guess you can still keep the two records. You know, if you save the promotional disc, in a few years you can probably sell it on eBay.

MULDER: You know, that’s not a bad idea. Thanks, I will.

VOICE: Police! Freeze!

MULDER: Hey, what is this? Who are you people?

SGT. JOE FRIDAY: My name’s Friday. I’m a cop. I’m taking you in on a 603: unlawful entry into an abandoned record store with an intent to sell records which are clearly marked Not For Sale - For Promotional Use Only.

SKINNER: You’re making a big mistake: we’re FBI agents!

FRIDAY: You can tell it to the Captain, downtown.

SCULLY: What do you want from us?

FRIDAY: Just the facts, ma’am. Let’s go. (getting into a squad car) Can we drop you off somewhere, Mr. Mayor?

RODNEY: Oh, no thanks. I think I’ll stroll down to the Continental Hyatt and grab some breakfast.

FRIDAY: Well, thanks again for your assistance. We’ve been trying to catch this X gang red-handed for months.

RODNEY: (waving as the squad car pulls away) See you on the Strip!

ANNOUNCER: The record review you have just read is true. None of the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Although acquitted on the more serious charge of record piracy, Assistant Director Skinner, Special Agent Fox Mulder, and Special Agent Dana Scully were all found guilty of overacting. They were sentenced to life in syndication.

Rodney Bingenheimer is still the host of “Rodney On The ROQ” on 106.7 KROQ FM. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he still insists that he is not Godhead.

This has been a MARK VII production.

[FADE OUT]

—Jeffrey Morgan
May 2004

Photo by Robert Matheu